Stupid
by souvenirs
Summary: There's days when you think that in a previous life you were a crash test dummy because no one gets hurt these many times.


so i wrote this at 3 in the morning yesterday.  
honestly, this was more to get this whole  
feeling off my chest than writing a good story.  
and the ending was just bleg but that's how  
i'm feeling right now. so enjoy or something  
like it.  
_d o r o t h y_

-

It's the night of Caitlyn's birthday and somehow Tess managed to book the Plaza for her. You're standing outside in the cool New York air and for once you're thankful for it. It explains the goose bumps that are forming on your exposed skin. (They have nothing to do with the boy standing next to you. Nothing to do with how close his hand is to yours and that rush you get when your fingers brush against each other.)

Nate offered to wait with you when you told Caitlyn that you had to get going. (You took it as a sign.) So there you are, chewing your lip as you wait with him for the valet to pull up in your car. The silence envelopes you because you know it's going to happen.(He's going to confess his feelings for you and sweep you off your feet and you're going to have your happily ever after.) So when he does talk you feel you pulse quicken and your palms sweat. You stop chewing your lip because you don't want it to bleed. (You don't want him to taste blood the first time he kisses you.) 'I have to tell you something.' His expression is that cute serious one you love so much. He turns to you and says 'I think I love...' He pauses as if the 'you' part is stuck in his throat. 'Caitlyn.' You didn't realize you were smiling until now, when you feel the corners of your mouth move down. You can hear your heart beat in your ears. (And it's like loud music at a club, you still hear it long after you've left.) He's looking at you for what seems a lifetime and you wonder if he can see it. The pain and the hurt and how moronic you feel at that moment. (You were always a drama queen of sorts and what drama queen gets a happy ending?)

He clears his throat (as if to clear your mind) and that smile is back in place. 'That's so great.' You lie and your words sound hollow but does it matter? You try to swallow the lump in you throat that you're sure is your heart. (You're terrified that it might just leap out of your throat and shatter right there on the cold, hard pavement.)

He nods, as if to agree with your previous statement. You wonder if that's why he wanted to wait with you. To tell you this. You look away because it hurts too much to see him. You feel like a silly teenager but now you're going through every little gesture you took as a sign or a hint or something more in your mind. He was just being a friend, not because he loved you. Those little things you took as something more were nothing than what they were at face value. You have to stop reading into things because you end up finding something that's not there to begin with. You're always getting screwed over in some way or another and it just makes it hard sometimes. (There's days when you think that in a previous life you were a crash test dummy because no one gets hurt these many times.)

You look back at him before you speak, the words spilling out of your mouth before you can stop them. 'But what about Shane?' You know that he liked (or was it likes) her too. You wonder how she managed to be so lucky to have two out of three of the Connect Three boys like her. He shrugs as he looks out into the night. 'He liked her for a month when he was seventeen.' You study his profile for a moment before turning away, both of you facing the street. 'Isn't there some kind of guy code?' You ask. Because you're a good friend. (Not because you're desperately trying to find a reason for him not to tell her.) He shrugs again but doesn't answer.

The valet pulls up, as if on cue, with your car. Nate smiles and pulls you in for a hug but you can't bring yourself to hug him back. Instead you smile brightly and give him a polite goodnight. You slip into the driver's seat and slip off your smile.

You try your damn hardest not to break down right there. Not because he doesn't love you (okay, maybe a little) but because you were so incredibly stupid. You got your hopes up high and now they were crashed down around you. (You'd think after so many heartbreaks you would have learned, but you don't. You never do.) You want to hate them but you can't. Caitlyn's like the sister you never had. Your best friend and in a strange way, your soul mate. Everything you're not. Nate's your best friend too and maybe that's why it hurts all the more. You thought there could be something there but there isn't and it makes you feel like a complete idiot for ever thinking there was.

You don't cry. (Surprising yourself more than anyone.) Instead you pretend none of this happened. Because forgetting is easier than facing the truth. Guess you were just built that way.

-

i honestly surprised myself with this one.  
seeing as i hate mitchie with a passion.  
but i realized that this sounded nothing  
like caitlyn or tess. i guess i have more  
in common with mitchie than i guessed.


End file.
